You don't have to justify yourself
or your existence to anyone.
Not now.
Not tomorrow.
Not ever. 

For those that like to listen to the words being spoken whilst reading, there is a YouTube video to accompany this blog:

Why is it important not to justify yourself, as this message implies? The main reason is that usually the only time we will engage in justifying or explaining ourselves is when we have been challenged in some way by someone else. Challenges often take the form of either the other person overtly criticising us or questioning something we have said and/or done in a way that could be perceived as criticism.

When we respond to criticism or a challenge by providing a justification of ourselves, this can be interpreted as a 'pacifying' behaviour towards the challenger/criticiser. By providing a justification of ourselves, we are letting the other person know that what they think and feel is important to us and that they have influence (or power) in their relationship with us.

Clearly, it is important that we sometimes say or do things to ‘pacify’ people who are important to us by giving them an ‘explanation’ in order to maintain healthy and positive relationships with them. For example, the friend who is upset that we had to cancel meeting up with them; we might apologise and explain that it’s because we have a deadline at work or whatever. The significant point is that we don't absolutely HAVE to justify or explain ourselves to the other person, but that we may CHOOSE to if it is important to us to maintain a healthy and harmonious relationship dynamic with them.

In healthy relationships, this is a reciprocal arrangement, meaning that we unofficially take turns in the roles of ‘pacifier/justifier’ and ‘criticiser/challenger’. Neither person is habitually just taking one role or the other. In unhealthy relationships, however, the roles of challenger/criticiser and justifier/pacifier become more fixed, so one person is usually in the position of having to pacify and justify and the other person is usually in the position of criticising and challenging. When the roles are more fixed like this, both people tend to become increasingly uncomfortable and unhappy in the relationship and their respective behaviours become more extreme.

Let's set the scene with a typical challenge-and-justify (pacify) response between two imaginary people:

A) Criticiser/Challenger: "You’re not paying attention to me! You’re always on your phone!”
B) Pacifier/Justifier: "I’m sorry, I was just checking the weather to see if it is going to be fine for our weekend trip away.”

The pacifier/justifier response B) gives the message to both A) the criticiser/challenger and to themselves that the criticism/challenge is deserved, and B)’s self-esteem may take a hit from this, whilst A) will probably feel justified, thus making them more likely to become critical and challenging again in future. This is how the vicious cycle of negative relationship dynamics can be maintained and reinforced.

There is nothing inherently wrong with the exchange in the example above, so long as both people are being choiceful and the critical/challenging behaviour and the pacifying/justifying response are not inflexible and habitual ways of interacting for each person in the relationship.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you are habitually taking one role or the other, it may be time to review that relationship. If you are typically a criticiser/challenger you may need to explore your expectations of others (and yourself) as they may be unrealistic, leading you to often find fault and be in blame-mode. If you are typically a pacifier/justifier, you may need to face up to the negative consequences you fear if you stand up for yourself more and justify/pacify others less.

When people come into therapy, they are often in relationships where they habitually occupy certain roles. The pacifier/justifier role is not uncommon, sometimes this can be described as being a ‘people pleaser’, where people can experience low self-esteem, difficulties with being assertive and with getting their own needs met. Learning assertiveness skills and developing the self-belief and confidence to put those skills into action would be common goals in therapy. Learning to ‘challenge the challenger’ so you are not held hostage in a relationship through fear of what might happen if you don’t justify and pacify the other person.

It is also not uncommon for people to come to therapy habitually occupying the critical/challenger role, where they can come across as bullying and controlling towards others and often experience anger issues or feelings of general dissatisfaction in their relationships as well as abandonment fears. In therapy, we would help someone in this position explore their impact on other people, help them with accepting responsibility for their feelings and with making “I” statements and other assertive behaviours to replace more aggressive behaviours.

In psychotherapy and counselling, we explore the relationship dynamics and the different roles that people occupy in their relationships with each other. We help people figure out the impact of their behaviour on the other person and on themselves that keep certain unhealthy relationship dynamics and difficult emotions in place.

So, going back to the quote at the start, the important element is the command “have to” -  we don’t have to justify ourselves or our existence to anyone, but sometimes we might choose to do so in order to keep that relationship functioning well. The key is flexibility, being able to CHOOSE how you respond in each relationship and in each specific situation in each relationship.

If you would like more information, please get in touch: info@louhillier.co.uk

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a great rest of the day.